Why parenting teens is hard

Seeing your child grow into a young adult can be incredibly rewarding, but it’s also no secret that parenting teens can be difficult. Teenagers can be disorganized, snarky, withdrawn, irritable, and anxious. Sometimes all in the same day.  

Additionally, it can be hard to let go of parenting habits that you learned when caring for younger versions of your children. But in order to effectively parent a teenager, it’s important to embrace a different role as a parent. 

Teens yearn for independence – and they need it to grow

Teens have a driving psychological need to establish independence, which sometimes makes them push away from what their parents say and do.

This can be frustrating to parents, but it’s important to remember that this process is necessary for adolescents to grow into fully functioning adults. If you don’t allow your teen enough space to practice independence, you may create tension in your relationship.  

Letting teens have independence does not mean becoming permissive or disengaged. One of the best ways to encourage safe independence is to set clear and reasonable boundaries. Try to keep those boundaries consistent and then let your teen have freedom within them.

You can also practice making decisions with your teen, not for them. This isn’t about relinquishing control, but about expanding the conversation and involving teens in discussions about rules and big decisions. 

In fact, by taking time to listen and work collaboratively with your teen, you may actually find it easier to get them to do things that you want them to do. 

Teens need privacy to build their sense of self 

As teens build their self-identity, they often become less open about what is going on in their lives. This is completely normal and respecting their privacy is a critical part of building trust. 

This doesn’t mean that parents should be left in the dark about their teen’s lives, but it does mean that parents need to be thoughtful about how they try to get their teens to open up. 

Even small changes in your language can make a big difference. Direct questions from parents can shut down a conversation if the teen feels like parents are prying. 

Instead, try requesting information to help your teen feel more in control and make it easier for them to open up. For example, instead of asking “what happened” try saying “It would make me feel better to know more about what happened. Do you mind telling me a little more?”

Teens crave parental acknowledgement and respect

Your teen wants to have a relationship with you just as much as they did when they were little. It’s just that the nature of what they want from that relationship is different. Instead of looking to parents for safety and comfort, teens look to their parents for validation and respect. 

This isn’t always easy, as teens don’t always act in ways that warrant respect. But even in situations where a teen makes a mistake or acts up, do your best to respond in a way that doesn’t make your teen feel infantilized. 

Teens are hyper-sensitive to what their parents and guardians think of them. Whenever you can, try to challenge your preconceived notions about your teen. You may be surprised at how quickly they can change and grow. 

Adolescence can be a difficult time to navigate the parent-teen relationship. But if you take the time to understand your teen’s natural psychological needs, it can help you build and maintain a strong relationship with them. If you have any additional questions or concerns about parenting teenagers, feel free to contact our parenting experts for free.