The Joy of Joi: A Guide to Self-Acceptance
Meet Joi, one of Appa’s amazing mentors. In this blog, Joi shares how she overcame her struggle with self-acceptance and why she’s on a mission to help teenagers to do the same.
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why am I like this?”
“Why can’t I just be ‘normal’?”
These are questions I asked myself a lot as a teenager. And, in desperate attempts to find the answers, I found myself in a dark place of depression, anxiety, and self-hatred. Everyone and everything around me made me feel like I was too much—I was too different, too needy, too emotional, too complicated. I often felt misunderstood by my family and friends, which led to an overwhelming sense of loneliness.
I would look at myself in the mirror and wonder: “Would anyone ever truly accept me and show me the love and safety I need?”
It took almost a decade for me to find the answer. If I could go back in time to younger me, I would tell her, “Yes, you will.” But that “someone” would first have to be the one staring back at me in the mirror.
Learning how to become “myself”
As cliché as it sounds, I really did have to learn how to love myself. But growing up in spaces that insisted on dictating who I was “supposed” to be, I realized that it was hard to see myself as worthy of love because I didn’t fit into those molds.
When I got older and moved away for college, I finally had the freedom to explore my identity and the world in new ways. I was able to stop shaming and judging myself and simply embrace the wonder and complexity of what made me “me.”
Eventually, I realized that “normal” doesn’t really exist. But you know what does exist? Me. So I thought, maybe I should just focus on that—how can I exist in a way that feels right and good to me? Instead of asking judgmental questions like “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why am I like this?” I decided to ask myself more helpful and self-compassionate questions instead. If I could stay focused on the answers to these three specific questions, I would be okay:
What makes me feel safe?
What brings me joy?
What makes me feel like my most authentic self?
For example, wrapping myself in a weighted blanket, listening to calm music, and practicing healthy boundaries makes me feel safe. Dancing, music, traveling, spending quality time with loved ones (and trash reality tv, if we’re being honest) brings me joy. Expressing myself through fashion, observing art, being honest about my feelings, and advocating for causes I believe in makes me feel like my most authentic self. It was such a life-changing shift when I stopped focusing on figuring out how to make myself “make sense” and just let myself “be.”
Accepting myself: The power of self-compassion
After discovering more about my identity—who I was, who I wanted to be, what I believed in—I was then faced with a choice: to now love and accept the person I’d discovered, or to continue to try to change myself to fit the expectations of others. I’m proud of myself for being brave enough to choose the former.
“Self-care” has become popular buzzwords in recent years, and while it is a good thing, it can be watered down to getting massages, going shopping, adult coloring books, or acts of escapism that aren’t necessarily self-caring on a deeper, more intentional level. A concept that has more meaning to me personally, is the act of “self-compassion.” To me, self-compassion means understanding that we are all human. Beautifully human. Confusingly human. Uniquely human. Sometimes even embarrassingly human. But all in all, remarkably and resiliently human. It is the act of honoring your own humanity in its many forms, having grace for yourself, being mindful of your needs, and responding to them accordingly.
First okay, second better
I won’t say that it’s been easy learning how to have compassion for myself, but I will say it is possible. What helped me was understanding that it wasn’t just going to get better all at once. I thought that “getting better” meant that one day everything that was wrong in my life would magically be right and never be wrong again. I quickly discovered that it doesn’t work that way. I think that’s why no matter what I did, I was often disappointed that things weren’t suddenly perfect. It would lead to more self-disdain and feelings of failure whenever I experienced a setback or a very “human” moment.
Once in college, I had a depressive episode so severe that I wound up in a psychiatric hospital for two weeks. During that time, all of those questions from my childhood came flooding back again-- What’s wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I just be “normal”? Will I ever get better? I remember sitting in the recreation room, waiting for group therapy to start and I was mindlessly doodling on the cover of my recovery folder. I had written the words, “First okay, second better,” and was tracing them over and over again. A girl sitting next to me was quietly watching what I was doing and finally said, “Do you mind if I copy that? I really like that.” It wasn’t until then that I realized that those few words represented something very powerful. The girl next to me understood, without me even having to explain.
I wrote those words because I had realized that in recovery or any journey, sometimes things are going to be “just okay,” before they actually get better. I was learning to be satisfied with being “just okay,” because I knew that it was a first and necessary step to being so much better. So, for teens who are struggling—with self-acceptance, identity, depression, or anything really—I want to say this:
First okay, second better. Take things one day at a time. I promise one day you will be okay, and then one day you will realize you’re more than okay—you’re better. Take it from someone who once thought life wasn’t even worth living. I can say without a doubt that my life is so much better now than it has ever been before. I love myself and I’m finally more than okay—I am better, and you’ll get there too.
For parents who want to support their child, I will say this: Find ways to empower your teen, to encourage autonomy and self-discovery. At my lowest moments of severe depression as a teen, the most overwhelming feelings I experienced were feeling trapped and helpless. My parents didn’t give me many opportunities to make my own choices and I when I tried to voice my needs and wants, they were always superseded by what my parents thought was “best.” This isn’t to say that parents don’t often have their child’s best interests in mind, but sometimes these intentions can hurt more than they help if they aren’t explored in partnership with the child. Help them to answer those important questions—what are the things that make them feel safe, joyful, and true to themselves? Then, support them in accessing those things and incorporating them into their routine. If you want to trust teens to make good decisions for themselves, give them the opportunity to make decisions for themselves. This not only builds trust between you, but also allows teens to trust themselves and build confidence, realizing they can make choices that support their goals, wellbeing, and happiness.