What to do when your teen is being bullied
Some children reach out to their parents for help without hesitation in this situation. Others may be reluctant to do so - they may feel ashamed or guilty for being bullied or too scared of retaliation. What are the signs that your teenager may be bullied? How can you help them?
Types of bullying
Bullying is not just physical violence. There are, unfortunately, many ways a bully can torment their victim, such as:
Money extortion
Threats and blackmail
Emotional and verbal abuse
Cyberbullying
Sexual harassment
Signs your teenage child is being bullied
Again, bruises and cuts aren’t the only red flags to look out for. There are many physical and behavioral signs your child may be bullied, for example:
Torn clothes, missing possessions
Often asking for money (or other things, like extra food)
Frequently complaining about digestive problems, headaches and other health issues
Changes in eating and sleeping habits
Aversion to touch
Doesn’t want to go to school, school avoidance
Self-harm
Difficulties with concentration, dropping grades
Withdraws from social situations
Apathy, lack of interest
Agitation, irritability
Though it’s not something you can observe yourself, at school, your teenager can be excluded by other kids, lose their friends, avoid after-school events (e.g. parties), or skip club activities. If a teacher or a coach informs you about such things happening or you notice these signs, try to stay calm and follow the tips below.
Remember that these symptoms don’t have to mean that your teen is being bullied. They can also indicate mental health struggles, like depression, anxiety, or dealing with undiagnosed ADHD or autism.
What to do if your teen is being bullied
Talk with your child
As always, talk with your teen first to understand what’s happening and how you can help. If you suspect they’re being bullied, try to broach the subject gently. Try to use “I” statements and give them a choice to control discussion, like so:
I noticed you’ve been coming home with scratches and bruises. I’m worried about you, can you tell me what’s happening?
I feel like something’s troubling you lately. Do you want to talk about it?
Your teacher informed me about what they saw at school today. I want to hear your side of the story. Can you tell me what happened?
Assure your teenager they’re loved, and the bullying is not their fault. Don’t be discouraged if they bristle and lash out or close off. They’re scared, and their defenses are up. Here are some tips on how to reach your angry teen.
Meet with their teacher
Don’t overreact, storm the principal’s office, or try to scare the bullies off. Instead, schedule an appointment with your teen’s teacher to have their undivided attention and enough time to explain the situation and discuss the action plan. Remember: the school is responsible for dealing with the bullies and helping your child.
Find solutions for dealing with the bullies together
As a parent, you might want to fix everything by yourself to shield your child from further pain. However, that can be counterproductive. They can feel powerless and lack self-confidence because of the bullying, and this can make these feelings escalate. Include your child in decision-making to empower them by giving them some of that control and autonomy.
Solutions can include both ad hoc actions to use when your teen is anxious or feels endangered and long-term activities to help manage their emotions:
Grounding techniques (e.g. box breathing, counting colors)
Learning how to react to bullies
Deciding where to get help (e.g. going to the school counselor or the principal’s office)
Self-regulation activities (e.g. journaling, meditation, yoga)
Therapy and mentoring
Bullying can have devastating consequences on mental and physical health, such as PTSD, depression, or self-esteem issues. It’s important to shower your teen with love but also provide professional support. A mentor or therapist can help them process what happened and provide knowledge and tools to deal with their painful experiences.
