Help your teen manage their holiday expectations
Joyful. Peaceful. Merry. ‘Tis the season for really high hopes. (Or really low, depending on what your past holidays have looked like.) Whether your teen is determined that their upcoming holiday be “perfect” or they’re not-so-secretly dreading it, here’s how to help them roll into the season with more realistic expectations.
Challenge “all-or-nothing” thinking
“Black-and-white thinking” is a really common negative thought pattern that assumes everything falls into one of two categories, like “good” or “bad” or “perfect” or “failure.” In reality, holidays — and life in general! — have lots of in-between shades of gray. Being able to see them is a great skill to have.
How you can help:
Encourage your teen to think about different options. For instance, if they want their holiday party to be the best ever, suggest they jot down a few other outcomes as they can think of. Or if they say they never have fun visiting their cousins, challenge them to think of a few times they did.
Watch for “all or nothing” words. If you catch yourself using “absolute” language like “always” or “never,” swap them out with more neutral words like “sometimes” or “maybe.” Without passing judgment, encourage your teen to do the same.
Talk about setting limits
It’s really important for your teen to communicate how they feel and would like to be treated by others. (Including you!) Setting boundaries can help them get the emotional space they need. That might mean leaving the dinner table early because they’d like some alone time, or respectfully correcting a relative who calls them by the wrong name.
How you can help:
Brainstorm ways that your teen can set limits. Sometimes setting boundaries can be as easy as saying, “No thanks” or “Let me get back to you on that.” Think of some phrases they can use, then encourage them to try them out with you or another caregiver.
Remind your teen that setting boundaries takes practice. If protecting themselves feels uncomfortable at first, let them know: the more they do it, the easier it will become.
Make room for grief
If your teen has had to say goodbye to someone they love, the holidays can feel really confusing. They may want to avoid them altogether, thinking they’ll be painful. Or they could feel guilty if they are able to relax and have fun.
How you can help:
Say “Whatever you feel is okay.” Reassure your teen that they don’t have to fake being happy or force themselves to feel sad. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
Plan the holiday together. Celebrating your usual traditions could help your teen feel more connected to their loved one. Or, they might want to do something totally different this year. Let them know they have options and you want to hear them.
Celebrate self-care
When your teen feels stressed, do they know what they can do to calm down and recharge? And why that’s important? Regular self-care can improve their outlook, reduce anxiety, and even give a boost to their physical health.
How you can help:
Talk about what makes your teen happy.
Playing basketball? Listening to Taylor Swift on repeat? Meditating? Once they’ve identified a few things that can shift their mood, help them plan times to actually do them.
Dial back on social media.
It's way too easy for all of us to compare our holidays to what we see on TikTok or Instagram. Think about suggesting some family screen limits. (Hint: Your teen may find it easier to stop scrolling if you commit to doing the same.)
Holiday season comes around just once a year, but it does come around every year. Thinking about it as a lifelong practice, rather than a one-time opportunity to get it “right,” may help your teen — and you — set some expectations you can actually meet.
