7 ways to help your teen with perfectionism
The drive to learn and improve is an outstanding quality and can help your child succeed. However, sometimes that drive can become an unhealthy obsession with achieving impossible perfection.
The causes of teen perfectionism
There’s no one cause for perfectionism in teenagers. There is some evidence that genetics can increase the risk of unhealthy perfectionism, but our immediate environment, society and culture play the main role here. Some of the common causes are:
Unrealistic expectations and academic pressure
Fear of failure, for example, in the context of college admission, which is increasingly competitive
Unrealistic beauty standards exacerbated by social media
Low self-esteem
Perfectionism and anxiety
Research shows that perfectionism is often closely linked to anxiety. It can make the fear of failure and self-criticism significantly bigger, even to the point of being paralyzed and unable to function properly. What’s worse, anxiety and perfectionism feed on each other, creating a vicious cycle.
Signs of perfectionism in teenagers
Striving for perfection may sound like a positive trait. Still, it can often become debilitating and cause a lot of suffering, such as feelings of guilt and shame, depression, anxiety, and burnout.
Some warning signs your teen may be struggling with perfectionism are:
Being critical and harsh towards themselves
Taking criticism personally
All-or-nothing thinking
Setting unrealistically high standards (for themselves and others)
Seeing mistakes as unacceptable failures
Tendency to procrastinate, as your child can be paralyzed with fear of not being good enough
Spending a lot of time on tasks or starting them over and over again until they’re “perfect”
Not trying new things or abandoning hobbies.
How to help your teen overcome perfectionist tendencies?
Talk with your teen about perfectionism
Your teen may not be aware of their unhealthy behavior. Gently broach the subject by asking what they know about perfectionism. Explain your worries, share your observations without judgment, and invite them to talk. Don’t push, as they can become defensive or closed off.
Emphasize that they don’t have to be perfect to be loved and cherished or achieve great things.
Help your teen set realistic goals
Perfectionists often set unrealistic goals for themselves, which can be a recipe for disappointment and frustration. Instead, try to help your teen set goals that are challenging but achievable. Focus on making progress, rather than striving for perfection.
Identify and challenge negative thoughts and beliefs
Perfectionists often have negative thoughts and beliefs about themselves, their abilities, and the expectations of others. These thoughts can lead to feelings of inadequacy and failure. To challenge these negative thoughts, try writing them down and examining the evidence for and against them. Are they really true? Are they based on facts or assumptions? What is the worst that could happen if you don't meet your own high standards?
Encourage your child to try new things
Perfectionism can make your teen afraid to try new things or meet new people. Learning to fail and accepting the possibility of struggling or making mistakes is crucial for your teen’s development and resilience.
Trying new things can be a great reminder to teens that learning is a process and that no one starts off perfect at anything.
Become a role model
It may be a struggle if you have perfectionist tendencies yourself, but try to be transparent about your own mistakes, bad decisions, and other “imperfect” moments. Show that it’s natural and human and doesn’t make us any less worthy, competent, or lovable. On the contrary - it’s an essential part of being authentic and experiencing life to the fullest.
Celebrate mistakes
Show pride when your child tries something new or when they attempt to accept they made an error. Celebrate mistakes as a sign of overcoming perfectionism and a critical step in growing and maturing as a person.
Seek additional support
Overcoming perfectionism is not an easy feat, especially if it exists alongside other mental health issues, like anxiety. Talk to your teen about getting additional support. You can connect them with a mentor or therapist if they’re interested. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) strategies can be especially effective in helping your teen overcome perfectionism.
