How to de-escalate heated conversations

Having difficult conversations with your teen often comes with stress, anxiety and worry. But it doesn’t have to! Learning how to get in front of strong emotions, and how to de-escalate conversations can help you say what needs to be said and not avoid the topic at hand.

Take Space

Be aware that your physical proximity to your teen is vital to allow space and room to move. Each of us has different levels of comfort with physical space; some like closer contact and some prefer arms length. General guidelines suggest 3-5 feet of physical space for comfort. Any closer and you may be perceived as being too close, invasive or intrusive. Any further away and you may struggle to be heard or may have to raise your voice, which could be perceived as aggression or anger. 

Make sure to read your teen’s non-verbal cues (for example, flinching away or looking away from you) to gauge their comfort level with the physical proximity offered in the conversation.  

Your Tone of Voice Matters

Oftentimes when our conversations get loud, we respond by increasing our volume so that we can be heard. Try to remember to do the opposite. Be aware of your tone, keep it calm, and keep the volume low to model level-headedness. Take a soothing yet firm stance. 

Body Language 101

Being in control of your body language and your nonverbal communication is key to decreasing the emotional temperature of the conversation. Make sure that you are not waving your hands around, pointing fingers or posturing in a threatening way. Open posture (arms not crossed in front of you), moderate eye contact, soft facial expressions, and relaxed but visible hands sets a non-threatening tone for difficult conversations.  

Finding the Right Verbal Style

While having difficult conversations with your teen, it is important to stay focused on the conversation topic and be specific in what you say. There is an old saying that works well for this: “say what you mean and mean what you say.” Avoid trigger words and inflammatory language, exaggerations (“if you don’t do what I say, you will be grounded for a year”), avoid put-downs and curse words. 

When possible, offer your teen choices or the illusion of choices. For example: “You have to attend your music class,  but the day you choose to go is up to you. Your class is offered on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Which day would you like to go?” 

It is important to keep in mind that when conversations become escalated, the goal is not to teach but rather to reach; reach a conclusion and be able to look towards future success. Acknowledge the perception or intention from your teen. This tells them that you are listening and hearing them. Example, “I hear you. I understand that you want to skip your music class to go out with your friends today after school.” Set the limit clearly and without threats. “You can’t skip your music class. It’s important to me that you follow through with your commitment.” 

Reflect 

It is important to reflect back and include any emotional reaction. “That seems to make you sad/angry/worried.” You want to ensure your teen recognizes they’re being listened to and understood. Use this time to encourage your teen to express themselves appropriately and within the limits set within the conversation. Having a shared experience with your teen increases your bond with them and builds comfort and trust in the parent-child relationship. 

Remember, at the end of the day, parenting is hard! Finding a network of support where you can go to connect with other parents and get advice can be beneficial. For more information on how Appa Health works with parents to support teen mental health, check out our parent resource page, or send us an email at info@appahealth.com.