An expert’s guide: 5 ways to support an LGBTQ+ teen
Due to increasing safety and acceptance, more teens than ever are out and proud of their LGBTQ+ identities. This means that more parents are trying to figure out ways to help their LGBTQ+ teen feel supported and thrive. Here are 5 ways to do just that.
Listen
This one sounds easy, but it can be tough to put into practice. When your teen tells you about something tough happening in their life, it is very normal for parents to want to go into problem-solving mode. This works great with so many things when kids are younger (think: getting a band aid on that playground booboo). But, it can be less helpful when kids are grappling with things about who they are and how they fit into the world.
If your teen starts talking with you about these things, here’s how you can create a safe space.
Give them your attention and eye contact.
Let them know you’re listening by saying things like “I hear you” or trying to summarize a little of what you’re hearing them say. For example, after they’ve been talking for a while about their sexuality, you might reply, “It sounds like you’re thinking a lot about who you’re attracted to. I hear you saying that you’re still figuring it out, and that right now you’re thinking it’s both girls and boys. Did I get that right?” Summarizing like this can go a long way in letting you know your teen you hear and see them.
Ask questions and respect their answers
As a parent, you might know your child so well that it can often feel like you can read their mind. Then, when they say something unexpected, you might feel really thrown off about what to do next. When in doubt, asking your teen about what’s going on is a great place to start.
It can be helpful to start by saying why you are asking. You’re not just prying, you’re communicating so that you can learn how to better support them. For example, you might say, “The other day you told me a bit about how identifying your gender as non-binary feels right for you, and that was something new for me. I love you so much, and I want to know more about how I can support you with that. Could I ask you a couple of questions about how I can best do that without being too in your business?”
This kind of lead-in also gives the teen a chance to let you know if they are not ready to talk about this more with you, whether that’s because they need more time to think on it themselves, or just because they have something else going on for them (for example, maybe they’re stressed about an upcoming test). If they are a “no” to discussing now, you can bring things up a day or two later and go from there.
If your teen is up for talking through some of your questions, it’s best to be straight to the point. For example, you might ask, “You told me the other day that you’re pansexual. I will 100% love you no matter who you are and who you love. I’ve only heard the term “pansexual” a couple of times, and I’m not sure I get exactly what it means. Can you tell me a little more about what that means for you?”
Embrace the process of “figuring it all out”
As you have these conversations, you will notice your own feelings, reactions, fears, and hopes for your teen come up. You might feel uncomfortable as you talk through things, and you might find yourself wanting to ease that discomfort by having firm answers from your teen about how things are for them--that’s totally understandable.
However, as you have these conversations, your teen may give you short answers, or they may give you the old teen favorite-- “I don’t know”. While teens sometimes can use this style as a way to get parents off their back (ex., Dad: “Why aren’t you in bed yet?” Teen: “I dunno, dad!”), keep in mind that they truly might be in the process of figuring out so many things about themselves.
When you’re talking about gender, sexuality, dating, and other complicated “Who am I?” things, listen for times when your teen is telling you that they just don’t know what more to say. You can reply with a simple, “I hear you that I’m asking you these questions and you’re not quite sure what to say. That makes sense. This stuff is complicated. If you ever want to talk more, I’m here.” Remember--by thinking deeply about themselves and opening up to you about these things, your teen is doing hard work to have the life they want and that is worth being proud of as a parent.
Look for authentic ways to show support in your family.
We’ve all heard the saying that “actions speak louder than words.” Above, I’ve talked about some tips for talking about sexuality and gender in a supportive way, but what about walking the walk?
For some families, signaling support can be loud, proud, and fun. They may attend a local PRIDE celebration together, or adorn their house or car with LGBTQ+ flags.
Some families prefer to be lower-key; if this is your family, you might consider building a family playlist with music from queer artists from both parents’ and teen’s generations and putting that on while you’re hanging out around the house. For family movie night, you might watch a movie that represents young LGBTQ+ people (some ideas: “Love, Simon” and “Moonlight”).
Using inclusive language is another great way to show support in your family. For example, if your daughter tells you that their best girlfriend is busy on Friday going on a date, you might ask, “Oh, is she dating someone these days?” rather than “Oh, does she have a boyfriend?” If you have openly LGBTQ+ members of your social or family circle, acknowledge their relationships on equal footing with other relationships.
So, if your teen’s older male cousin is bringing his boyfriend to Thanksgiving, tell your teen that in plain language, rather than using a euphemism like calling the cousin’s partner his “new friend.”
Using people’s preferred pronouns and names is also a big part of inclusive language. If your teen or one of their friends has begun using different pronouns or going by a new first name, commit to doing your best to using these. If you’re unsure about what pronouns one of your teens’ friends uses, ask your teen.
Expect and embrace missteps.
Remember, you’re only human, and so is your teen. As you navigate ways to support your LGBTQ+ teen, you will have both wins and misses. What’s key is to come back from these misses back to a pattern of support, openness, and warmth.
Author and researcher Dr. Brene Brown says “it's the album, not the picture,” meaning that the patterns of interactions between youth and parents count the most, and an occasional negative interaction won’t undermine a relationship marked by love, support, and positivity.
