An expert’s guide: How to set boundaries and rules for your teen

The ability to establish boundaries is one of the most important skills parents can teach their children. The best way to do that is by setting them yourself.

Your teenager will try to push and test the boundaries, and that's a natural part of their development. It's up to the parents and caretakers to create an environment where teens can safely test the limits and grow their independence.

Why are healthy boundaries important to your teen's well-being?

By creating limits with your teen, you teach them how to do it themselves. They'll be able to establish safer boundaries with their teachers, friends, and partners. They learn about verbalizing their discomfort and how to better communicate their needs by discussing limitations and negotiating them with their parents.

It's also a key opportunity to teach them assertiveness, which is especially important in giving consent in the context of intimacy and everyday situations.

How to set healthy boundaries with your teen?

First, remind your child that these boundaries exist to protect them and are born out of love. They are a way of equipping them with essential skills for their future well-being.

Your teen can still protest and get angry. Approach them with empathy and patience - try to remember how it felt to be their age. 

Establish and explain the rules

Explain the boundaries and the consequences of crossing them. Make sure your teen understands them. If you want to allow any exceptions, define them clearly, so there's no confusion on either side, like so:

• "On school days, you need to be at home by 8 p.m., but on weekends it can be 10 p.m."

• "You can drive to school on the days you have practice, but you have to let me know the day before." 

Don't just inform your teen about the rules. Explain the reason behind them: it's not about control but their safety and future. Be open to answering questions or providing additional explanations if your teen wants to understand the rules better.

Be firm and consistent

We're not talking about being overly strict but consistently enforcing the rules you set firmly and without arguments. 

When you allow your teen to bend the rules to their liking and escape the consequences, you teach your child that they can get away with anything and that it's okay to disregard your authority.

More problematic is the lack of stability or predictability needed for your teen to develop a sense of safety. Nowadays, teens are even more stressed and overwhelmed. Parents need to provide a stable structure of clearly defined limits that teens can lean on in their otherwise chaotic and unpredictable lives.

Leave room for negotiating

Of course, your teen will test and push the boundaries. Allow them to negotiate the limits to learn how to communicate better and resolve conflicts. Ensure them that you're open to discussion and willing to listen to their arguments, as long as they do it constructively and politely.

Let your teen face the natural consequences of their choices

Punishment is often counterproductive. Rather than sending your teen to their room or confiscating their phone in anger, let them face the natural consequences of their choices. Did they come home after the curfew? Don't argue. Just remind them that according to the rules:

• the curfew will be much earlier in the coming week,

• or they're staying home during the weekend. 

Provide support as they handle the aftermath of their actions, but let them deal with the consequences on their own. Not only are you teaching them responsibility but also showing them that they're capable and resilient.

Give respect

Respect is a two-way street. If you want your child to respect you and your boundaries, you must do it in return. Be there for them, listen, and show empathy and understanding. Never belittle their worries. And unless there's a potential danger to their health or safety, always respect your child's privacy. Disregarding their fears or right to privacy will only result in them closing off and hesitating to reach out to you.

Trust that they will come to you for help.