The science of conversation: How to talk to a struggling teen

Having meaningful conversations with your teen can do a lot to help them thrive. But sometimes, talking to teenagers can feel like talking to a brick wall. 

Even though starting the conversation about emotional health can be tricky, here are some simple ways to quickly build trust and have more meaningful conversations with your teen. 

Be compassionately curious 

If you gently ask questions without offering criticism or advice, you will probably be surprised at how much your teen opens up to you. Make it clear to them that you want to try to understand what they’re feeling and what may be troubling them.

For example, you could start off the conversation with something like “It seems like you’ve been pretty down lately. Is that true?” Ask open-ended questions, and try your best not to get upset even if you are frustrated by their response.  

Don’t try to “fix” them

If your teen is talking to you about their problems, don’t offer solutions right away. Nobody likes to feel like they need to be “fixed” and providing solutions can sometimes come across as judgemental. 

Even simple helpful suggestions such as “Maybe try going on a walk” can come across to your teen as “Why haven’t you made the effort to even go on a walk?” 

Instead, just actively listen and give your teen a safe space to vent. 

Express care, but not excessive worry 

Be careful not to express too much worry about their problems. To teens, high levels of concern can often come across as critical and it can shut conversations down. 

Try saying validating things like “that sounds really hard” instead of stress-inducing comments like “I’m really worried about you.”

Don’t jump to conclusions 

Remember that you’re not a mind reader. When your teen is explaining something to you, try not to emotionally react to what they’re telling you until they have finished completely. Sometimes we may be quick to judge something we don’t agree with when we may not know the full story.

And if you find yourself getting upset at something that your teen has said, make sure to ask for clarification by repeating what you’ve heard back to them. Say something like, “Just to clarify, it sounds like you are saying X. Is that right?”  

Don’t diminish their problems

Oftentimes, teens complain about seemingly insignificant things that you may be quick to dismiss. This could prevent them from opening up to you in the future and getting to the root of the issue causing them distress. Frequently, what is causing them distress is deeper than the surface-level issue they may complain about.

Make sure your teen feels heard

When you are talking to your teen about their feelings, make sure to give them your full attention. If you are on your phone, watching TV, or busy cooking or cleaning, you won’t be able to give your teen the full attention they deserve. Even slight indications that you aren’t fully paying attention can discourage teens from feeling comfortable talking about difficult topics. 

If you are in the middle of something when they would like to talk, instead of dismissing them, try saying “I want to give you my full attention, but I need to take care of this first. I’ll be done in about 45 minutes, and then I can focus on you completely.” 

Remember to take care of yourself! 

You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you are not taking care of your own mental and physical health, it will be difficult to be a fully present conversational partner for your teen. Plus, modeling healthy behavior can make a greater impact on your teens than you may realize. Take time for yourself to rest, recharge, and do things you enjoy.